As Valentines Day approaches I thought I’d be ok. I feel like just giving up. How can everyone find someone and still, I’m on my own. What’s wrong with me that I just can’t find someone?
I go through waves of my highs and lows of being hopeful, I can’t help but feel sad because I always saw my life together by the time I was 28 and it’s nowhere near that point. I try to remain hopeful but now when I start talking to a guy on whichever ridiculous dating app, I have 0 expectations because 95% of the time they’ll ghost or lose interest. I honestly feel like I’m cursed.
This weekend for example. I had been talking to a private chef who seemed quite interesting. To be honest he wasn’t exactly organising the most exciting date (expected from Tinder really) and last minute on Saturday morning suggested meeting local. Again disappointed by someone not being bothered to make much effort, I kinda just agreed as I had had a shit morning to just meet at a local bar. Come 5 o’clock mid driving lesson (don’t worry we had pulled up), I see a Whatsapp from him saying he’d be a bit late as he had to stay longer in the kitchen. Come 6 o’clock and he cancels all together saying he won’t get out till much later. Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t, either way the communication has changed since yesterday.
Why don’t I deserve to be happy? I see people day after day celebrate anniversaries, engagements, marriages and I sadly really don’t know if I truly see it happening ever for me anymore.
Some people find their soulmates so easily. You hear about people who go online dating after splitting from a partner and then finding their life long partner instantly. I can’t help but feel jealous. Have they got a certain something I don’t?
It’s a real sadness I try to overcome daily because when you have been single for so long it gets to you. Like really gets to you. The majority of men I have met have been plebs who I wouldn’t want to be with but there have been some over the last few years with whom it just didn’t work out. The more I think of it the more I worry it’s me. That they just weren’t that into me or had someone else they were more into.
And it affects me. This voice in my head saying ‘who are you to be writing about dating’ or as a ‘friend’ said over dinner the other week ‘well you’re hardly an expert, you’re still single’.
So what I wanted to say is, if your feeling down in the dumps about being single this Valentines, it’s ok, more people than you think feel exactly how you do.
I’m not going to end this with a hopeful quote because quite honestly it’s not how I’m feeling right now but it’ll pass, it has to.